Taking hold
by Spokenvoice
Summary: Someone has hold of her heart, and someone is affecting her like no other. Sara Sidle can’t breathe without thinking about that someone, so why is she trying to pull away. FemSlash sc
1. Chapter 1

**Taking Hold**

**Summary: **Someone has hold of her heart, and someone is affecting her like no other. Sara Sidle can't breathe without thinking about that someone, so why is she trying to pull away. (FemSlash s/c)

**Rating: **M (language and themes may offend some people – you have been warned)

**Slash** – I've warned you so no flaming! Don't like don't read.

**This is my first attempt at S/C ship so not sure how it's going to come out. I'll give it a shot though. First part is just a teaser – I'll have more for you real soon if you like it! Thanks for reading…**

**Part 1**

The sun, an unwelcome visitor, entered into her apartment through the gap in the curtains, she inwardly groaned as she stirred from her sleeping state and was brought back into the reality that was her life. Though it was a reality that she was happy to have to live – as she awoke she remembered the events of last night, and she remembered just whose arms it was that were wrapped around her waist holding her close to their body. She moved her hands down to rest them over those around her as a smile crept over her lips. Right here, right now, this moment was perfect. She never would have thought it, if someone had told her three months ago she'd be dating Catherine Willow, the Catherine Willows that every guy wanted but as of a few months back none cold have. As she was lay thinking about this perfect moment however her ringing cell phone cut into the silence. This time she did groan but it was not inwardly. She reached over to the bed side draws and lifted it. The number all too familiar she flipped it open.

"Sidle" She answered, her CSI kicking in. She rolled onto her back and look up at the ceiling. Catherine awoke now and moaned slightly as she opened her eyes to the light. She then realized that she was in Sara's apartment, and the night before flooded back. She smiled and tightened her arms around Sara's waist as she rested her head against Sara's shoulder, listening to the convocation Sara was having. "Sure, who needs a night off anyway" She spoke, sarcasm audible; "Yeah…" with this she cut her phone off and threw it back to the table.

"Mm Sar…" She mumbled through her sleepy state

Sara placed her lips against Catherine's before leaning back, and whispering, "Shush, sleep…they called me in early. You still got a few hours" She explained.

Catherine groaned knowing she was going to have to let go of Sara. "I hate him"

"Me to…" Sara smiled, she doubted weather Catherine was fully awake, "but he's the boss" she kissed her again, "now sleep."

As she attempted to get up she felt Catharine grab hold of her hand, entwining her fingers in hers and pulling her backwards. "Give me a proper good bye" She shot as she opened her eyes still sleepy. He voice was gruff and this cause Sara to hate Gil Grissom even more. If only he knew what he was pulling her away from, but none of them knew that Catherine was hers. Sara groaned as she was pulled into Catherine's lips and the older turned on her back pulling Sara on top of her so she was now straddled over the blond's waist. The passion engulfed them both as the kiss deepened and Catherine's hands moved to Sara's waist and under the shirt she was wearing.

"W…ai…t" She managed breathlessly as she court hold of the wondering hands, she pulled back and angrily growled as she buried her head in Catherine's neck, "Y…ou can't d…o this to m…e….not n…ow…"

"Mm…you going to stop me baby?" Catherine teased as she pulled her hands from Sara's grip and moved them further.

"Shit" Sara groaned angrily. Forcefully she pressed her lips into Catherine's instantly forcing her to open and give her the much needed access. Breathlessly she pulled back, "I hate …you" She gasped as she some how managed to get fully on top of the woman, straddling her waist she took hold of Catherine's wrists and pin them above her against the mattress, she lent forward and kissed her longingly knowing that this was probably the worst thing that she could have done – this made herself wanting more. Sara moved off her, forced herself free from the woman she loved, rolled of the bed and stumbled from the bed room, "I really hate you" she growled.

Catherine could only laugh, though she herself was regretting teasing Sara as she'd only got herself wanting more than she knew she could get right now. She rolled over onto the front and buried her head in the pillow that still had the sweet smell of Sara, groaning in frustration, having only managed to get to sleep a few hours ago and wanting nothing more than for the sleep to be in the arms of her lover, was more than enough to piss her off, she brought her hands into fists and closed her eyes in defeat having to compromise with the images that last night had imprinted on her mind and recall the way Sara had made her feel, the way that Sara had loved her.

When Sara returned that's how she found Catherine, lay on her front, in the center of the bed in a pale blue tank top as the sheet fell just bellow her waist reviling the shorts of Sara's that she had borrowed. Now she really did hate Gil Grissom. The shower she'd just had managed to _cool _her down but walking in to see Catherine sprawled across her bed she couldn't help but feel the heat rising. All she knew was that if she didn't leave soon she never would. She had only been fifteen – maybe twenty minuets at the most in the bathroom but a smile formed on her face when she noticed Catherine had been unable to stay awake – she must have really been worn out from last night –a smirk formed evilly. She'd done that.

-----------

"Nice of you to join us Sar…" Warrick smiled at her as she walk up the drive way to the house, it's a big house in a nice neighborhood – yet looks like something big has happened. Sara took the sun glasses from her face and wince at the light – she's not used to working in the day –

"Traffic" She explained, walking up the front steps. Then I notice when I get to him the look on his face change, his smile turns to more of a smirk – he's not looking at my face now, damn it. He moved forward and touches my neck – "Yeah right – traffic" he laughs. I hate that laugh, I glare at him as my hand moves instinctively to cover the spot – I'm still unsure just what it is he's looking at but it can't be good.

"How about you tell me what's going on…I take it Gris has given you point?"

"Sure did…be a fool not to" Warrick joked,

"So -What's the deal?" I ask him, not offering and answer to his question. He smirks again, and then goes into work mode, "DB, female…" he explained, "rang in by her daughter… she's sixteen. Hasn't said a word to officers since they showed up"

Instantly she regretted taking the call, taking this case. She looked from Warrick to the floor knowing that this was going to be hard. "Doc just finished so Vic is all ours" he explained as he opened the front door. Sara nodded and followed him in with kit in hand.

--- TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**Taking hold**

**part 2**

Right now, as she stood from her Denali and headed towards the lab entrance all she wanted was to at least see the woman who had plagued her thoughts for the past hours. She knew she couldn't take her in her arms like she wanted to but she'd at least be able to see her smile, to hear her voice and to maybe catch a lingering stare from the brunette. There was nothing more satisfying than seeing Sara looking at her. There was little hesitation when she entered the lab, she was half hour early and knew that Sara was in this place somewhere as the Tahoe was parked outside.

"Hey Cath…your in early" Warrick smiled as he walked into the break room, it was a short smile though that was done mostly so as not to be anti social. Catherine could see he had something else on his mind. He walked over to the coffee machine.

"Yeah, thought I'd maybe try to be the first in for once" She explained with a smile

He nodded his head and turned to face the blond, "Well sorry to put you down but – you lost. Sara and I have been in for a good few hours"

Catherine was still amazed that the two of them had managed to keep the relationship on a low. No one in the lab knew. "Is everything okay?" She asked.

"We got a murdered mother of a sixteen year old - who we think saw everything but is yet to be brought from the shock of just what's happened to tell us anything. The father is AWL and Sara…well she's not Sara." Warrick explained.

Catherine wanted to question Warrick instantly, with urgency – knowing he was very worried about the younger CSI. It took a lot to get Sara messed up on the job – but she couldn't be too forceful. "What do you mean?" She asked, trying not to look as worried as she was.

"I don't know" Warrick pushed it away not really comfortable with talking about Sara behind her back like this. Little did he know that Catherine knew Sara almost as Sara knew herself, "She's just…spaced on me a lot tonight…and she, she's acting funny…"

"Where is she now?" Catherine asked.

"Not sure – girl asked me to get the coffee on…she'll should be heading down here"

"What are you waiting on, I mean the case?"

"DNA…we want all the evidence back to us before we go into the daughter" He explained.

Catherine just nodded and then she stood to her feet, she was nervous now and couldn't just sit there so instead she walked over to the coffee pot pouring herself another mug and silently hoping that Warrick hadn't caught onto the way she was acting.

----------

"Yeah…I appreciate it…thanks… Just… tell him something came up" Catherine instantly looked over to the doorway of the break room when she hared Sara's voice. For the past ten minuets she spoken with Warrick about stuff – about Lindsay, work and he'd tried to explain something about football to her but all the while she was worried about Sara. She knew instantly that she should be worried - Warrick was right – Sara didn't look like her usual self. Her eyes held something that Catherine couldn't put her hand on, her face was flushed in worry and what looked like anger and her thought's were clouded with fear. What the hell was going on with her? She'd been more than fine that morning…everything had been great. She listened to Sara's conversation into the phone. "No, I'll call him later and explain everything. Thanks." With that Sara cut the call and placed it on her belt.

"Hey Girl" Warrick had beat Catherine to the welcoming

"Hey" She mumbled as she got a mug of coffee, she kept her back to them all as if knowing they were looking at her.

"Catherine tried to beat us all here today…I told her she lost cause we've been here for hours" he tried to get the brunette to respond in a usual Sidle way but it was proving difficult.

"Sorry to disappoint Cath" She offered, still not turning around. She looked down into her cup knowing that owed her Girlfriend a lot more than this. Even a smile, a glance…she just couldn't bring herself to look into the eyes of Catherine though.

"You okay Sar?" Catherine didn't care if Warrick found this odd; she needed to at least look into Sara's eyes.

"Yup" Sara mumbled, "Just…great" before she had to look or respond to them he mobile rang again. Without hesitation she lifted it and answered "Sidle… you got my tox report. Yeah sure…" She waited and listened as did both Warrick and Catherine. "…I'll be over to pick it up." She closed her phone then looked to the table for the first time – something in her eyes told them that something was about to happen.

"Sar?" Warrick asked, "What you got?"

"Tox report - no alcohol or drugs in the system of the vic" She let the guy process it and then she nodded – "time to go to interview room" She was adamant. She was so focused on the Case that Sara hadn't even acknowledged Catherine this time.

Catherine didn't like the look in Sara's eye; she didn't like it at all. That wasn't the Sara that she'd been with earlier – what the hell had happened in the last few hours to do this to her? Sara didn't even wait for an answer from Warrick she walked away. Warrick put his coffee down, offered Catherine a 'look' that said so much and took off after her.

Catherine couldn't just stand here, she couldn't just worry she needed to know what was happening so she decided she'd slip into the room of the interrogation room.

-----

Brass, Warrick and Sara were all in the interrogation room. The two guys sat on the table in front of the girl as Sara stood in the doorway. Observing just what was going on. "We need to ask you a few questions…do you understand?" the girl didn't respond, she sat looking at the table in front of her.

Sara knew what she should do but she jut couldn't find the courage. "Miss…can you state your name for the record" Brass continued. The girl again didn't respond –

Sara just watched, at least a minuet passed without any movement or words, Warrick pushed his chair back and stood up – and this instantly caused the girl to stand up – she pushed the chair back and backed up. This was it for Sara, to see the fear in the young girl's eyes – it was too much.

"Stop" it had been the first thing Sara had said since they'd walked in there. Walking forward slowly she put her hand on Warrick's shoulder. He'd only stood up to move over to Sara – all of them knew that except the young girl in front of them. She was scared, and Sara knew what of "Go" She said.

Warrick looked to his co worker and friend. She looked dead into his eyes, "I know what I'm doing. Just leave us alone for a while"

Warrick saw something in her eyes, a determination like no other. He was pretty worried about her right now. But he saw she needed this so agreed. "Brass, lets give them some time" Sara offered a silent thank you and waited for them to leave.

When the door had shut she turned back to look at the girl who was now stood in the interrogation room her hands curled into fists as she shook a little. Sara took it all in before she offered a smile – "Sorry about that…got you a little scared huh?"

The young girl didn't respond. She was looking into Sara's eyes as if she was seeing something. "They are fine really." She explained talking about Warrick and Brass- "But hell… sometimes they scare me." She smiled a little, trying to lighten the situation. "It's fine…they'll get over me throwing them out."

Sara let the girl just have her space and time, all the time letting the girl know what was going to happen. I'm just going to take of my badge and stuff…I'm going over there okay" Sara walked slowly over to where the huge mirror took up the wall. She unzipped her CSI field vest she'd been wearing and taken off her belt that held her gun and phone and put it on the side and then walked back over to the table "I'm going to…take a seat. Okay? If you want…take your's if your more comfortable with standing …its fine by me" again no reaction.

Sara took hold of the chair and spun it so the back was facing the table, it was more for the young girl as it created a barrier between the two and Sara was going to be sure to not cross it. Straddling the chair she took a seat and placed her hand on top of the back rest leaning into it – she looked at the girl and observed her for the first time knowing that this was going to be the hardest thing that she had ever had to do in her career…

The young girl was so scared that it ripped Sara apart.

"I'm sure you really don't want to be here…" Softly Sara began, the girl hadn't moved, was just looking into Sara's eyes. Sara wasn't great with kids, not at all but she knew the way Brass was questioning her…it wouldn't help. As Sara stopped and waited she noticed the girl look the window.

"It's just you and me in here…I have no idea who's on the other side of there but…it doesn't matter. I'm going to say some stuff that I don't want anyone to hear so I'll pretend they are not there if you will to." She waits, wanting, and needing the girl to look her way again so her tone grows more serious "You're safe in here with me…" The girl contemplated what Sara said, and seemed to accept it when she looked back to Sara. "Like I said, I know that you have been through a lot today but I really need to ask you some questions. Is that okay with you?" There was silence, so Sara continued, "What's your name …the file says Danielle is it okay if I call you that?"

The first response that Sara got was the girl's small voice – "Danni"

Sara just nodded her head, happy to have gotten the girl to speak "okay, Danni…you can call me Sara"

------------

"What's she playing at?" Brass asked when they exited the room.

"She knows what she's doing" Warrick explained, "I hope"

They both walked quickly to the room next door and when they pulled it open they Saw Catherine stood there watching it play out. Warrick didn't take long to be stood next to her and Brass followed. Each watching carefully at how this played out. Warrick lifted his phone and dialed a number. "Gris…its Rick…yeah…you need to get to interrogation three. I think you need to be here."

_----tbc...thanks for reading. Please let me know what you think. i hope to have more for you soon ;D  
_


	3. Chapter 3

**Taking hold **

Hey guys, thank you so much for the reviews i've recieved. I really apriciate them. I'd like to offer my apologies for any Speeling or grammatical errors that may have occured. Not my strength i have to say - and i'd like to say thanks to Tarzje for her advice and i'm glad you like the fic ;D I was wondering if there would be anyone out there willing to by my beta and read over my work before i post. If so just let me know! Thanks again. Hope you like part 3...

**Part 3 **

She was stood, the glass the only thing parting them – all she wanted was to go in there and hold Sara's hand, do something to help her out but she couldn't. She was sure that the rest of the guys could tell that something was wrong with her but she didn't care. Sara was more important to her than keeping the knowledge of their relationship out of the lab. Emotion like Catherine had never seen bled from Sara and that alone was enough to scare her. Warrick was stood at her side feeling helpless also – but knowing this was the only way. Brass was stood at Catherine's other side. Sara was like a daughter to him – he'd always been around for her when she'd need him – and always been there to have ago when she'd needed that to.

Breaking into their thoughts Grissom walked in, "What's going on? Why'd you call me?" he asked.

Warrick looked to Gil, "Sara, this case is hitting her hard Gris. She's kicked us out of the interrogation room – something tells me she's not okay" He explained then looked back out through the glass "That girl isn't holding" Warrick said seeing so much in the eyes of his co-worker and friend. Catherine stood world less as her girlfriend reveled some of her inter most emotions and thoughts.

"What do you mean?" Grissom questioned

"I can't put my finger on it…look…that's not Sara" Warrick explained.

Grissom turned and looked out at her.

-----

Back on the other side of the glass Sara had managed to get a few nods from the girl when asking a few routine questions – but was hoping now to get more than that. Though she was unsure if this was the way to go - There were something's she didn't want anyone to know – not even Catherine. And she was sure that there were people on the other side of the mirror, she cast a glance sideward and for a few moments sat as if contemplating what was to come next. She could feel the eyes of god knows who on the other side of that mirror but then when she looked at the reflection of the sixteen year old who'd lost everything she realized that this wasn't about the case anymore and if what she was about to do could help this kid in the slightest there was no question – she'd help her.

So Sara decided there and then – she was going to do anything to help the kid and she knew just what anything was. "You might not believe this but I know just what happened in your house today…" The girl closed her eyes when Sara spoke, Sara knew that she was walking on thin ice right now. With one word she could send this girl further into herself. "And I have a pretty good idea what you're going through…" She waited for a little bit of time, her voice continued softly, "I was thinking if I tell you something about me, then you tell me something about you?" Sara knew that the only way to get her to talk was to get her trust and the only way to get her trust was to let her know that she wasn't just some witness, she was more than that – to Sara she was a lot more.

Here goes nothing, Sara thought, after what seemed like a lifetime the CSI took a deep breath knowing that what ever was said here was going to be around the lab in no time. Taking one last look at the mirror, she made her mind up. She looked back to the young girl "You and me are a lot alike…I knew exactly what happened in the house today…as soon as I walked in." Sara offered, then there was silence, a long spell of silence "The drugs, they helped huh?"

This got Danni's attention – she looked up at Sara, asking silently how she knew.

"Yeah they helped me, helped me to forget the pain I had to go back to." Sara explained, with a nodding of her head and a knowing look in her eye. "But in the end, they'll destroy you…I mean, you may not have thought about it yet but…I did, I thought so many times about ending the pain for good." Sara hadn't talked about this openly before, not to anyone but she knew she had to tell this girl – so that she didn't end up the same way. "And then one day I did it. I took an overdose and…I…I…" Sara stopped; she moved her one hand to her leg where she nervously ran her palm across it to get rid of the damp clammy feeling. "I tried to make it all stop but it only made it worse; so if you…you go out of this room with one thing in your head let it be this…the only way out of the pain is to overcome it. Don't let it control you…you got me?"

Danni moved forward leaning on the table; she stared dead into Sara's eyes and felt a connection. "what do you know?" she asked, confronting the CSI

"Been there…got the t shirt type thing" Sara explained with a sad shrug.

"You don't even know what went on in there" Danni spat in anger,

"I got an idea…" Sara told her. This younger kid's whole character changed, Sara had hit something.

"Enlighten me" This was more anger filled this time as Danni shot up from the chair she was on sending it backwards to the floor and leaning across the table closer to Sara.

Sara instantly felt like she was getting somewhere, she had no idea who was stood behind the glass but she put her hand up to tell them to stop – knowing that with the girls sudden change in attitude Brass would want to burst back in there to protect Sara. "You were sat watching them fight again…things got physical again…"This time Sara stopped for a longer period of time, "**_I_** was looking at him and **_I_** knew this wasn't going to be like the other fights...his eyes were black and he just kept hitting her…over and over… she'd keep getting up." Sara looked to the table, "Until she didn't"

She wasn't sure of the point that things got to it been her, but she had been talking about just what it was that had happened when she was a kid. Sara knew this story like the back of her hand; Danni's story wasn't any different. Sara looked up into the girls eyes, "She didn't get up did she?"

Instantly Danni turned her back on Sara and walked over to the one way mirror – she looked at her reflection. Tears came to the young girl's eyes – what had happened really hitting her. Knowing nothing would ever be the same. "I can't tell you where he is…he took off" She explained.

Sara stood up, "Let's start at the beginning…"

"No, I can't do this" The girl looked the mirror, "how do I know he's not behind there? He'll kill me"

"Hey, listen to me…you don't have to be scared of him anymore. I promise that I'll protect you. I mean that…nothing comes within a meter of you without me knowing. You got that? And on the other side of that mirror…there are some people, I don't know who…but none of them are going to hurt you"

Danni contemplated Sara's words and after a minuet of silence nodded and began to speak "They were fighting before I got in, I could tell because…mom had already been hit. When I walked in there he got worse and, he…he grabbed my arm. Mom grabbed him and that's when he lost it…he beat her to death… I was sat in the corner of the room. I wanted to stop him, I should have stopped him but I was too scared to move." The tears now fell down the young girl; she was grieving for the death of a parent. Sara had got the explanation needed to know exactly what had happened and knew that there was more than enough evidence to put an APB out on the father – not only from the young girls statement but from everything that had been collected at the scene - The CSI's job, more so Sara's job was nearly done it was up to Brass's guys to bring him in before anymore could be done.

Warrick turned; he looked at Grissom with questioning eyes. The Gil looks at them, "Catherine I need to take point till I …talk to her or something. Go hand out the assignments to the guys in the break room" he hadn't questioned what she was doing in here; he hadn't really given it a second thought. But she wasn't able to look away from Sara. How could she just walk away from her girlfriend after seeing what she just had? "Cath?" Grissom began. This was it, Catherine either had to put the well being of her girlfriend in the hands of Warrick and Gil or she should out the relationship and asked for time she knew Sara needed.

Catherine knew that Sara had enough going on without having to explain the relationship to night shift so opted to painfully tare away from the glass – she just looked at Grissom. "Make sure she's okay" She explained and took the file that he had in his hand before reluctantly walking out.

_TBC... _


	4. Chapter 4

**Taking hold  
**

_thankyou to all those who have reviewed - you guy know how to put a smile on my face :) u r the best! _

**Part 4 **

Warrick looked up to See Sara exit the interrogation room and sigh when she shut the door behind her, he had questions – he wanted answered but knew he couldn't push. Grissom however could. "Sara…my office" He offered softly.

"I'll process with the evidence…" Warrick explained, Sara just nodded her head. She'd been through the most emotional confrontation in there she'd ever been through at work and she knew her co workers, her friends were worrying about her.

Before leaving she locked eyes with Warrick "you hared?"

He nodded his head, then he stepped forward – he was unsure how this would be taken but it was something he needed to do. He put his hand on her shoulder and offered his support, "Any time you need a shoulder" he explained.

Sara nodded, smiling sadly and then she turned to follow Grissom through the hallways – taking the much needed deep breaths to calm herself. She was thankful to have to be pulled away by him, but she'd didn't want to have the conversation she knew was coming.

She made it to his office with little hesitation wanting to get out of the way of the lab and all the people it held. Human emotion wasn't something Sara did well with so this was so very hard, knowing that right now all she wanted to do was grab a bottle of Scotch and lock herself away she couldn't, first off she was determined to finish up on the case – and help the kid.

He shut the door "Sara…"

"I…" She stopped, she shrugged her shoulders, as she lent against the door with him stood in front of her "I told you my life was fucked up" She smiled sadly, hoping that he wouldn't probe too deep.

"God Sara, why didn't you tell me about your past?" he sighed

"I haven't told anyone…" She explained, after a long pause, and then she looked up to Grissom, "I looked at the girl and saw myself. I just wanted to help her…wanted to let her know…I don't know..." Sara sighed, convinced right now she sounded certifiably insane. "How did you end up on the other side of that mirror?" She asked.

"Warrick, he called me…you went a little crazy on him" Gil offered with a reassuring smile, "They all know that when Sidle goes crazy to give the supervisor a call"

"Is that right…?" Sara sighed, then she turned serious "Man, I want to kill that bastard"

"Sara I'm getting the feeling you don't want to talk to me about what you said in that Interrogation…"

"Your good, no wonder your top CSI" Sara responded, this time unable to keep the sadness out of her voice. She looked up at Grissom, "I need to break down…I need to breakdown and then I have to help find that guy" Sara explained, "Don't take me off the case?" She asked or more ordered.

"If this gets to you Sara, I want you off…you got that" he was stern

"Yeah" She nodded

"And how about you remember…you can't save the world" He knew what Sara was trying to do. She wanted to save the girl from the pain she went through but he knew she may not be able to do that. One thing that CSI's had to do was keep a distance form the victims – when they got involved as Sara had things only got worse.

"I don't want to save the world" She explained, "Just want to stop the kid from having to live like me. I mean, there's a reason I'm Crazy… a reason that even when someone I care about touches me I back off. I don't want that for anyone else – no one deserves it"

Gill took a deep breath; he looked at an emotionally unstable Sara, not filled with her usual strength. "Take all the time you need to break down and then got back and get this guy…just look out for yourself"

Sara nodded her head, she was about to leave before she questioned – "Who else was behind the glass?"

"Rick, Brass and Catherine" He explained.

Sara froze inside, Catherine was there. She silently cursed – your girlfriend finding out about your dysfunctional family and you suicidal tendencies through a one way mirror, it isn't how it should be - She had wanted to tell her, and nearly had on a few occasions, she hated not telling Catherine everything but it was just too hard. "Sara I know you don't want to talk about your past but…I think you should. If not with me then find someone you trust but…I just…"

"I know I get it…thanks" She offered sadly before leaving.

----

Three hours later, Danni's aunt picked her up – Sara had given the young girl both her house and mobile number and told her to call – call if she needed anything, at anytime of day or night. She talked to her, in private this time and too the surprise of the Night shift had even held the kid while she cried. Sara wanted nothing more than to take the pain away from the kid, to take everything away and make it all okay.

The most heart breaking thing tonight was when Danni had looked up at Sara and thanked her, _THANKED_ her…I mean…what for? What had she done? Now she was stood in the lay out room with Warrick sat across from her and Grissom sat at the head of the table. Sara had spaced out along time back, thinking about the future that Danni would have and praying that it'd be better than what she had.

It was at this point she decided Grissom was right; you should never get emotionally attached to someone in this line of work because it just hurt more.

"So it's our guy? As soon as Brass and his guys get him we'll be able to take him." Warrick explained, he was right, scientifically this case was straight forward – domestic abuse gone too far. Yet emotionally, humanly this was everything but straight forward. Sara silently felt sorry for Danni who had a future of Shrink bills to pay out for…

"I'll be doing paper work then…page me when Brass gets the guy" Grissom stands, he looked at both of them but his eyes lingered a little longer on Sara's spaced out expression – as she's sitting looking across at the Crime Scene photographs. He knew anything he said would be empty, she needed to work this through herself. "If you need me you know where I am" he offered, it was mainly directed at the distraught CSI – who was doing what she did best – trying to cover her emotions.

**The body  
The woman  
Blood covered and dead **

It brought so much back to Sara. "Hey Girl…you okay?" Warrick asked. Sara broke from her daze and looked up at him; she didn't trust her voice so she nodded her head. Warrick nodded in acceptance knowing just how hard this was on her, he could see it in her eyes. After the Holly Gibbs he'd changed a lot, and his relationship with his co workers had as well. They were like a family, a dysfunctional, unconventional family… and non of them would want it any different. "Well then…looks like we've done all we can. How about we head out to the break room and grab a coffee?"

Sara waited a few moments, then looked up at Warrick – "Can I ask you something?"

He nodded his head, leaning further across the table "Anything…" He stopped and thought a moment, "Actually not anything…sexual questions are to be directed at Greg, Shopping can go Catherine's way and Nick will take your sport…but I'll take anything else." He smiled comfortingly.

Sara Appreciated how he didn't pressure her, if she wanted to talk he'd let her, if not…he wouldn't push at it. She offered him a smile and inwardly thought about how ironic it was - as sexual questions or…advances in most cases – contrary to Lab belief would go Catherine's way, not Greg's. Sara still couldn't believe that the team hadn't guessed. With the lingering gaze the flirting and the suggestive yet less than conspicuous advances in the locker room. It was like they were hiding in plane sight. "Well, seen as I'm okay on the Sex, clothing and sport front this seems to be a you question" Though she was trying to smile, trying to let him know she'd be okay there was still so much sadness in her eyes.

"Well then ask away"

"What keeps you doing this?" She asked now fully serious.

Warrick reached out and took her hand, he wasn't sure that his comforting touch would be welcomed but it was, she even appreciated it – looking into her eyes he replied, "I get to catch the bad guys…simple as"

"What if that isn't enough?" Sara questioned, "I mean…what if it doesn't help?"

"I tell you what…when we catch this bastard, and you look him in the eyes – then tell me it isn't enough. You got that… it has to be enough Sara, because it's all we have. We can't stop the pain, only bring closure."

_**tbc...  
thanks for reading guys, really apriciate it. Just like to let you know that i am still without a beta so anymistakes made are my own. Sorry about them! And also i promise to get so Sara CAtherine time soon :) hope it doesn't take me too long.**_


	5. Chapter 5

**Taking hold **

_Thank you guys for the reviews, glad you like. Here's part 5…more soon I hope _

**Part 5 **

Lent against the bonnet of her Tahoe Sara took a long drag from the cigarette she held, allowing the smoke to fill her lungs, and calm her a little.

She'd been crying, any fool could see that, yet none of them fools were foolish enough to say anything to her because they knew Sara of old, and knew that she wouldn't take the concern well. Her eyes were red and blotchy, her hands were not as calm as she would have liked and her mind was running a 100 times the speed it should be.

She'd never wanted anyone to know, let alone her work colleagues…

Maybe some day – she'd have told Catherine but it shouldn't have been today and it really shouldn't have been like that.

Right now what she wanted to do was distance herself from everyone – she wanted to lock herself in her apartment and pretend no one had hared.

She stood in the darkness of the night, taking a drag from the fag it was a welcomed feeling – she'd quit many times and then, something would happen and she'd switch the nicotine patches and gum for the real thing - she'd been into some hard core drugs as a teenager…but this was one habit she couldn't kick. As she stood and tears did in fact start to fall again she was sure that Gil would kick her from the case if he saw her like this. It was true, she'd managed to get through the last two hours but it was all catching up with her. After the talk with Warrick she'd needed to get out of that place for a while and think about everything. Leaving a message to be paged if anything came up she took off to the parking lot and that's where she was now.

Looking through the blurry vision she saw the familiar Tahoe pull into the parking lot. She sighed and then cursed angrily as anger filled her - this was the furthest thing away from what she needed right now.

Turning around she wiped the tears away as best he could – not very well, but it'd have to do. And took the last drag of the fag before flicking it to the floor, her hope however of making it back into the lab before the car stopped and the occupants exited were slaughtered with the sound of her name. "Sar"

She was actually amazed how there was so much love and concern in that one utterance. And it smothered her, she felt trapped. Refusing to turn around, not wanting to show her weakness Sara stayed with her back to them.

"Nick go ahead…give the stuff to Greg I'll catch up" the voice explained.

Before Sara could try and get away she felt a hand on her hand, "Sar baby" Catherine spoke. Reluctantly Sara allowed herself to be pulled around so she was facing Catherine and pinned up to the Tahoe, "God, I've been so worried about you"

"Don't be" Sara mumbled looking to the floor, "I'm fine"

"Yeah…you look it" Catherine shot.

Catherine sighed and as she moved her hand to run it across Sara's cheek - Sara lost it and pushed her hand away a little too harshly "Don't" she growled.

Catherine was shocked and backed up a little, "Sar? Sara honey…" that was it, now Catherine wasn't worried for her girlfriend, she was terrified for her.

"Don't"

Catherine took a deep breath; she hadn't expected to see her so broken. Hesitantly she took another step back and to the side giving Sara the needed space – although the only thing Catherine wanted to do was hold her – she knew she had to be gentle "I'm scared Sara" She explained truthfully – she'd never seen Sara like this. The brunette lit another cigarette, avoiding eye contact, avoiding questions. Questions she couldn't handle and the eye contact she wasn't ready for.

After a few moments silence and a drag of her fag Sara looked to her side into Catherine's eyes, and spoke sadly, "You're looking at me differently now you know – I can see it…its different now." She then looked down cast to the floor.

"No" Catherine shook her head, "Nothings different between us Sara…you're still the woman I love. I'm worried about you is all…I'm really worried" Catherine explained.

"Don't be – just forget everything" she pleaded angrily.

"I can't help it…you're scaring me." There was silence again, Catherine reached forward again giving into the need to feel Sara and she softly ran her hand over Sara's "Please…take a break, come grab some coffee and let's talk – I… need you to let me hold you" Catherine's voice cracked this time. And Sara saw pain she'd caused in her girlfriends eyes. She hated herself for causing that pain.

"I can't…" Sara stood, leaning back on her Denali and backing off again from Catherine pulling away from her touch. Taking a last long drag she threw the still burning butt to the floor and faced the still worried blond, looking at her feet – "I'm sorry" She offered.

"Sorry?" Catherine asked, "What are you apologizing for?"

"For doing this to you…" Sara explained, "I'm pushing you away…I know I am…and I'm hurting you…but I can't deal any other way. I'm sorry" With that Sara took off back towards the Lab.

---------

"Sidle doing paper work…I must be in the wrong lab"

Sara instantly smiled when she hared his voice, looking up from where she was sat she saw Greg stood, "Hey Grego…how's shift going?" Sara asked softly.

"Better than yours by the look of it" He smirked charmingly yet understanding as he walked further in taking and took a seat next to someone he considered a close friend.

"So I guess the lab found out about the episode in the interrogation room huh?"

"Actually that's where your wrong…from strict instruction from both Catherine and then Grissom and then Catherine again – and a scene with Warrick and Hodge's you are a strictly off topic subject" Warrick explained.

Sara smiled, "So, I'm off topic…well… that I didn't expect." She thought a moment then turned to Greg, "So no one knows what happened in the interrogation room?"

"Only the ones that were on the other side of the mirror" Greg explained, then he turned serious – "I can worry about you right? I mean, I know that I need to keep the flirting to a minimum right now, and I need to lie the fighting for a while… but I can worry, yeah?"

"You can Greg…but it's not necessary" Sara explained, she reached out and took his hand. Something he wasn't expecting, he turned to face her "I'm fine"

"Sar…honey…I know you are trying to make me feel better and not worry but…you can't say I'm fine when you lock yourself in here with Paper work. We know you…and this is not you" he explained.

Sara shrugged, "it's been a funny kind of Day is all" She explained, "The case hit me hard"

Greg left a respectable amount of time before he cut into the silence "Come on, I put some of the good old stuff in the coffee maker…just for you" he winked. Sometimes he was just too sweet "so you can't say no"

She smiled, "Well, who am I to refuse…thanks"

He knew that she was thanking him for more than the coffee. He stood and took hold of her wrist pulling him up with her, "Don't get all soft on me now Sidle" he shot.

_---- TBC let me know what you think : )_


	6. Chapter 6

**Taking hold  
**

_thanks for the reviews guys - hope you like. let me know._**  
**

**Part 6 **

It just so happened that when Sara and Greg turned into the break room Catherine and Nick were sat in there already - "Does anyone work in this place?" Greg asked. He still had his hand around Sara's wrist as he lead her through the door, "And look-y who I found hiding in paper work"

"Hey Sar…" Nick smiled.

"Nicky" She replied, then smiled softly Catherine's way, "Hey"

"Hey, how you feeling?" Catherine asked hoping it was better than earlier. It had been around three hours since the incident in the Car park.

"Well, I haven't broke Greg's hand for touching me …so not good" She joked, but Catherine could see through her smile to extreme sadness.

"Does this mean…we have taken the next step in our relationship?" Greg asked Sara.

She pulled her hand back and slapped it across the back of his head before heading over to the coffee machine.

Greg smiled, "Ah…good old times" He sighed as he took a seat at the table across from Nick.

Sara poured two mugs of coffee and walked over pushing one in front of Greg, "There you go Romeo…"

"Thanks" he smirked; Sara walked over and Sat on the sofa next to Catherine, keeping her distance though. She couldn't believe how she had acted earlier; she'd practically pushed her Girlfriend out of her way. If the roles were reversed Sara knew she wouldn't be able to sit there and not comfort Catherine so why wouldn't she allow Catherine to comfort her. She thought about this, she knew exactly why – she was ashamed of her past, of what she'd done and what she'd been through – it wasn't a part of her she'd wanted Catherine to know, any one to know.

This was all too much for her; she took the hot liquid down the throat – happy to let it burn as it went. She didn't know it was possible to feel so much emotion all at once - fear, pain, hurt, love, embarrassment… they just kept coming, hitting her. The team must have known something was wrong with me because I hared Nick's voice break thorough her thoughts

"Hey… Sar…"

"Hum?" She asked, dragging her mind back into the room

"What's up?" he asked

"Nothing, I'm…" She just sighed, "Why?"

"Well Greg-y just made sexual innuendoes…and implications that referred to you" The Texan said with a smirk, "Just not like you to let him off with that one"

Before anyone could say anything Catherine stood, and without a word walked from the room at a high pace. Nick looked confused, "Well I expected you to walk out not her" he explained, "What's up with her?"

"Something is going on with her today…she'd been in some mood" Greg explained, "You think someone should go and talk to her?"

She watched her walk away, what had happened – she had a good idea that it was something she'd done, or hadn't done. "I will" Sara said standing, she wasn't sure if she wanted to do this but Catherine was hurting - as she walked past Greg she allowed her hand to slap him across the back of the head –"You wish" She shot as she left.

Nick smirked at Greg.

----------

Sara had followed Catherine into the ladies room, "Cath?" She asked, concern for her girlfriend filling up inside her.

Catherine was lent over the sink watching the water run into the basin, she didn't respond. "What's wrong?" she asked, confused.

"What's wrong?" Catherine shot back, "are you serious?" there was anger laced in the words spat by the blond. "You really don't know what's wrong?"

Sara just looked at her; she wasn't sure what had caused this outburst. "Don't tell me Greg's advances have got you pissed." She tried.

"Greg's advances no! …but you…yes"

"Me?"

"You stand there; acting like everything is fine…when I know it isn't. I know that you are been slowly ripped apart inside but you won't let me in. You can't even look at me can you?" Sara had dropped her gaze to the floor as the older of the two had been talking. "You can't keep pushing me away Sara, don't you see that…it kills me. I had to force myself to walk out of that room today after I hared you fight through your emotions and it was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do – leave you when you were so upset. All that I wanted to do was hold you. You won't even let me touch you though…"

"It's hard; it's really hard - that's why?" Sara shouted back with equal force - she wanted to comfort Catherine and make it all better but she couldn't, she didn't want to do this.

"What is? I love you Sara…you know I do. I won't hurt you…"

"**No…but I'll hurt you**" Sara shouted, instantly regretting it when it left her mouth. She couldn't believe she'd just said that – what was wrong with her?

"What?" Catherine hadn't expected to hear that,

Sara shook her head, "Forget it"

"No…Sara…" Catherine became less angry now and her tone became softer –"what is it that's stopping you from letting me in?"

"I said forget it…" Sara growled in frustration, she just wouldn't drop it.

"I can't" Catherine shouted.

"Why?"

"Because you're hurting"

Sara took a deep breath and looked up at Catherine, into the eyes of the woman who she had promised everything to – "I'm not used to having someone that gives a shit Cath… I'm not used to having someone care." She explained slowly, lowly with pain evident.

"Well I do care…more than you'll know." Catherine soothed, as she took a step forward

"Why?"

"What?"  
"Why do you care…I mean…no one else ever has?"

"I'm not anyone else Sara, I love you…"

"I don't know what you want from me Catherine" Sara finally shouted in frustration.

_"I want you to let me in…you've talked to Grissom, to Greg to Warrick …why not me?"_ Catherine shot with just as much force, _"I'm your girlfriend"_

"I don't want to hurt you" She managed.

"Then don't push me out…" Catherine explained, "You need to talk to me?"

"I don't know how"

"You don't know how?"

Sara shrugged, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry if this is hurting you but I can't"

"You know what, the night you kissed me…on that first night – I opened my heart to you – when I see you like this. Upset, hurting…it hurts me too – I just want to make sure you are okay" Sara's emotions were on a high right now, she just backed up against the wall behind her looking into Catherine's eyes, "Tell me how you feel?" Catherine asked.

"Angry" Sara explained, "Really angry right now … I hate myself because I'm consciously hurting you but there isn't any other way I can deal…I'm sorry"

"Stop apologizing to me Sara…" Catherine had tears in her eyes now. Before anymore could be said Catherine reached forward and took hold of Sara's wrist – "I'm scared I'm going to lose you" She explained.

Sara looked to the floor, her own emotions becoming too much for her. She closed her eyes, and took in a sharp breath as she felt Catherine come closer to her- she felt the strong comforting arms wrap around her waist and the body of the woman who she truly did love press against hers – she'd been strong, well relatively strong up until this point. This wasn't really what she wanted, may be even more than she could handle – she couldn't breath, and her mind raced – she ran over all the possible ways she could hurt Catherine, it killed her. She didn't want this.

But the blond moved closer, Sara was backed right up against the wall with her eyes closed as she became an emotional mess - like a small child she lent forward and laid her head on Catherine's shoulder – "I don't want to lose you" the words whispered against Sara's ear sending shivers down her spine.

"You wont" She managed, her voice unbalanced – with her the wavering emotion. She knew, in her head she shouldn't be doing this – she shouldn't be letting herself open up. But her heart wanted nothing more than to let Catherine be there for her. She was conflicted. Finally she gave in and moved her hand up and wrapped them around Catherine's waist – pulling the blond into her, one of Catherine's hands moved up Sara's body and up to rest on the back on Sara's neck. "I'm yours forever…" Sara promised as the tears did in fact begin to fall. Crying wasn't something she was comfortable, and she'd done way too much of it already today – but this was too much for her to keep emotionally stable.

"you Promise?" Catherine asked

"I promise" Sara agreed. They held each other like this for a few minuets before Sara pulled back and looked into Catherine's eyes – "I think we need to talk" Catherine nodded. "I'll meet you at your's after shift okay?"

"Yeah" Catherine agreed, and then she lent forward and kissed Sara, softly…no force, just love and reassurance.

"Better?" Sara asked Catherine when they broke apart.

"Much better …what about you?"

"Ask me later and I'll tell you" She mumbled painfully.

tbc...


	7. Chapter 7

**Taking hold**

_This is dedicated to my Wonderful Beta – thanks a lot Jess you're a star :D_

_Hope you all enjoy and have to say that your reviews put me on - cloud 9 – so if you want to throw some more my way they will be welcomed with open arms. Hope you like this part through._

**Part 7**

Sara didn't know what was worse.

That she was sitting with her head in her hands, with memories pelting every inch of her, or that she had promised to talk to Catherine.

Sure, the blond deserved to know what was going on, but Sara herself was finding it hard to comprehend what it was that she was feeling right now. How the hell was she supposed to talk about it?

Pushing the fear to the back of her head, she stood from her desk. Sighing, she looked at her watch – not long to go. Dragging her feet from the lab she'd chosen to take over tonight, she realized that she hadn't got much work done. She'd managed only to shuffle some stuff around; maybe get a few reports finished, but nothing compared to what she'd usually manage to do.

Grissom hadn't pushed her though. If he could have, he'd have forced her from her case, from the lab, to sort her head out – but he didn't have a death wish. He just wanted her to be okay. She did mean something to him. Anyone could see that…

If it was any other case, on any other day, he'd have given her another case to fill the time waiting for the guy to be picked up, but today he hadn't. Even more concerning to Sara was that he had been avoiding her since the talk in his office.

Walking into the break room, she was pulled from her thoughts by Greg.

"Hey you."

"Hey Greg, do you ever work? I mean…it doesn't look like it to me." Sara smiled softly.

"Hey, I've been working hard tonight." He explained. "I was with Cath on that case, but we closed it."

Sara just nodded her head as she took a root beer out of the fridge. "You want one?"

"Nah, I'm good, thanks."

Sara walked over to the sofa and took a seat next to Greg.

"So you talked to Catherine earlier?" He asked.

"Err, yeah…I did"

"And you got out of there alive? Wow, that's more than I can say for Nick. When he tried to comfort her she nearly threw him out of the Denali while we were going 50 on the freeway!"

Greg reeled off the information, throwing the magazine he was reading down on the table and turning slightly to talk to her. Though he had a humor to his tone, Sara could tell he was concerned. It was true; they really were a family – the whole lot of them.

"She was crazy mad," he explained.

Sara couldn't help but feel guilty. "What did he say to her?"

"Not a lot, he hit a raw spot though." Greg explained. "He asked what was wrong, but she wouldn't say – she told us she was fine. So he tried to lighten the mood; made some crack about her needing a guy. That was when she went for him… I swear to god, I thought I was going to have to call you to process the scene after she killed him!"

Sara sunk further back in the sofa, and popped the can open, taking a swig. She felt sorry for Nick having to deal with the bad mood she'd put Catherine in, but on some level she was happy Catherine had gone at him. She couldn't remember how many times the team had been sat together, and they'd made cracks about Catherine's guys. Or they'd all been sat in a bar after shift, only to have some guy watching her woman. Yet she couldn't say anything – she just had to take it, let it eat her up inside.

"He back off after that?" She asked.

Greg grinned. "When Catherine loses it with you, you shut your mouth. Well, _we_ all do, _you_ seem to get off on pissing her off."

Sara shrugged. "You just can't handle her."

"Damn right I can't…" He shot.

A silence fell between them.

"So, what are you doing after shift?"

"I'm not going out with you, Greg." She replied swiftly.

"Hey, look…I'm not just some insensitive guy. I was wondering if you wanted a drink, that's all. Nothing else."

"Well, as much as I like the sound of a drink, I can't…places to be."

"Anywhere interesting?" Greg questioned.

"Nope…" Sara dismissed, taking another mouthful of the sugary caffeine mix.

"Well, all I'm saying is…if you need to talk or something; just give me a call."

Sara nodded her head. "Thanks." She did mean that, Greg had been great – and he hadn't moved from eyes contact to her cleavage in the last few conversations, so that was progress.

Just then, the door opened, and Nick walked in behind Catherine. Greg and Sara turned to watch them.

"Cath, I said I was sorry…you really going to keep this up?"

"Nick, just leave it."

He held up his hands. "Fine…I was only messing with you."

"Yeah, well…I don't want any guys you know…got it?"

"Well Sara flat out refuses now, so you're my only option. He's a good guy is all, and after Eddie I just thought…"

That was it. Catherine turned around – "Don't go there," she warned. "I don't want to be set up with any mate of yours."

"I…"

"Nick, back off! She doesn't want any of your loser friends."

This time it was Sara who shouted across to the Texan. He meant well, all of them could see that, he just didn't know when to stop. And to be honest, Sara never liked it when Catherine's ex-husband came up into the conversation. Jealous…sure she was, and she knew that Catherine was aware of it. There had been a few heated confrontations between the two over her ex-husband.

"Okay… what about you?" He offered looking over the break room.

Sara just looked at him. The 'Sidle scowl' was all that was needed to shut him up.

"Hey, she's got me…" Greg smirked. "It's all she needs."

"You know what; I think you should set Greg up. Maybe he'd leave me alone." Sara suggested.

"Never baby…" He smirked.

Reaching over, she did what she did to end most conversations with the young male CSI, and slapped the back of his head.

"Nearly the end of shift…you can get away from them then, Sar." Catherine smiled softly from where she was stood leaning against the counter with a bottle of water. It was more of a 'you're mine and don't forget it' look that only Sara picked up on. Sara just smiled back, though was instantly filled with the fear of what she knew was coming - the talk with Catherine.

"Yeah, nearly the end." Sara mumbled.

"How's the case coming, Sar?" Nick asked.

Sara stopped. She fell quiet and looked to the floor.

"We're waiting on Brass finding the father so we can link him with the evidence. It should be pretty simple as soon as we get the bastard."

"So you won't be pulling a triple tonight?" Sara was asked by Greg.

"Doesn't look like it…"

"Well then, what do you say we go for a drink? All of us?"

"Sorry, I got some stuff to do…"

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure…"

"What about you, Cath?"

"Got to get home…sorry."

-------

The shift had gone too slow for Catherine, way too slow. But just as the morning sun came up offering a welcome goodbye to the night shift for another twelve hours, Catherine pulled her Denali into her drive way. She was happy to see Sara was already out front. Not bothering to gather anything but her gun and CSI ID she stepped out, to be welcomed by the sight of a tired, and still visibly affected Sara walking towards her.

"Hey baby." Catherine offered softly with a smile.

"Hey you." Sara smiled back. It was clear she was trying to hide how she really felt.

"Come on, let's go. Jack on the rocks sound good?"

"Yeah." Sara agreed, letting Catherine take her hand.

Catherine slammed the door to her Denali and headed up towards her house. It was only when she felt Sara entwine her fingers in her own that she realized what her lover really needed was comfort.

She was ready to be held, to be looked after.

She was ready to open up to Catherine.

------

"Here you go." Catherine placed the bottle on the coffee table, and then held out one of the pre-poured glasses. "With the day you had I thought you'd want it straight, and that we'd need the bottle in here with us."

Sara looked up and smiled softly, "Thanks."

Taking the glass with the Jack in, she sat forward so Catherine could slip into the place on the sofa behind her. Cath did this with little effort, and then wrapped her arms around Sara's waist, encouraging the younger of them to lean back. It was all Catherine had wanted to do all shift – hold her. And with Sara finally able to accept the comfort, they sat in the relaxed silence, just happy to be with each other.

Catherine's hand moved unconsciously under the bottom of Sara's shirt, making slow circular motions over the skin. This was more than welcomed by Sara who was feeling so safe right now, just being held.

"You shouldn't have heard that today," Sara said, breaking the silence abruptly. "Not how you did anyway."

There was more silence. Catherine could tell Sara was fighting to voice her thoughts; how difficult this was for her.

"You don't have to talk if you don't want Sar, I'm happy just to hold you. I'm not forcing you to open up to me…" Catherine regretted the argument earlier. She knew just how hard it was for her girlfriend to open up.

"You know I don't want to hurt you right?" Sara said finally. "When I do shit like today…it's not because I don't want you near me, or holding me, I just…don't want to hurt you."

"I know honey…I shouldn't have lost it like I did. I've just… never been that scared," Catherine explained. "I've never seen you like that"

Sara nodded, she understood – "I know… I'm sorry if I've been pushing you away."

"I'm sorry if I've been pushing you to talk to me."

Sara didn't know where to start. Silence had consumed them again, and she didn't know what to do. How could she just jump right into the middle of her fucked up life?

At the last minute she bottled out, she wasn't going to be able to start this.

"I…I want you…" She stopped. It was still so hard to believe that she was here, being loved by this woman. After a few moments she sighed, "I want you to ask me a question, anything you want about me."

"Ask a question?" Catherine asked. She moved her arm tighter around Sara's waist and the two moved slightly. Sara was now leant into Catherine, her head softly resting on her girlfriend's shoulder.

Sara nodded her head, "Yeah."

She could now smell Catherine's scent - sweet vanilla.

Catherine saw how hard this was for Sara. She examined how the brunette was acting –

Like a scared child trying to get as much physical contact with their protector.

Sara was scared.

Catherine wasn't sure if she should say this, but she couldn't help it. It had been running through her mind since she'd heard it and she needed to know, she had to know…

"Did…did … you really take an overdose? Try and… and kill yourself?" She managed slowly, softly, as she tried to gage the reaction.

Sara stiffened instantly in Catherine's arms and buried her head into the blond's neck, thinking back to her child hood.

"Yeah" She sighed, mumbling into her. She remembered it all. The way she felt before she did it. The way she felt after she did it…the pain and the fear. "I was alone, and I needed an out." Sara explained reluctantly.

"Why?" The blond managed eventually.

"Because…death was a better option to what I had"

Sara's answer was simple, and it scared Catherine to hear just how true it really was. This was all she needed to hear. She just moved slightly so she could hold Sara closer, and she did just that – held her – she was never going to let her go. Sara was crying now, her body shuddered with the sobs and Catherine could feel the hot tears against her skin.

"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry baby." She wasn't sure what she was apologizing for, but she just had to say it, over and over as she helplessly tried to comfort her.

She saw just how hard this was, so reaching forward she took her hand.

"You don't have to do this…I mean it Sar…we can just go lay down. I'll keep you safe…"

Sara managed a nod of her head.

-----------

**TBC **


	8. Chapter 8

**Taking hold **

_Once again thanks a lot Jess, my beta _

_And sorry for the long wait _

**Part 8**

"Sidle." Sara mumbled into the mobile, shifting a little in Catherine's hold. Instantly she shot up to a sitting position awaking Catherine. "I'll be there," she cut her phone off and pushed back the covers.

"Baby?" Catherine asked sleepily.

"I've got to get to the lab…" Sara said, reaching for her jeans, pulling them on and reaching for her shirt. She was in a trance. All she knew was that she needed to get to the lab - get justice, make this bastard pay and then… then she'd be able to look at herself in the mirror again, because she'd know she'd done all that she could.

"What's happened?" Catherine asked.

"They got him," Sara mumbled. "In some fucking bar drinking, as if nothing had happened." There was a dull pain to the back of her head that ran down her neck.

Catherine moved over to Sara who was sat on the edge of the bed putting on her boots, moving so she had a hand on the brunette's back and on her leg. "Want me to come with you?" She asked softly, wanting to offer Sara any support she could. "You can't drive, Sara."

Sara thought a moment. Stopping just for a second, she turned to Catherine. "How would we explain that?" Sara asked. She moved her hand to Catherine's hand and offered a silent thanks. "I don't think I could deal with them knowing right now…the questions, too much…"

"Well if you need anything," Catherine offered. "Give me a call?"

"I will."

Catherine understood. She kissed Sara softly. "How you going to get there?"

"I'll be fine," Sara assured.

"Sar, you downed half a bottle of my Jack, you haven't slept long – you are over the limit, hun."

"I don't have time for this, Cath," Sara growled. "I'll be fine."

"Well, I don't have any wish to see you dead because you lost control of the Denali, so go get ready and I'll call you a cab."

"Look, just leave it." It was harsher than she had intended.

With that Sara stood up. As she moved over to the side dresser, taking her gun and ID badge, a feeling off guilt came over her. She lowered her tone making it softer, the regret audible. "Get some sleep Cath." She said, before walking out of the room. 

-------

Grissom stood in the observation room looking through the glass. The guy sat in the interrogation room, his hands still cuffed because he'd been so aggressive towards the officers. Sat in front of him were Brass and Sara. Warrick was sat on the table over by the double mirror – a case file in hand. The interrogation had been going for a few minutes and not much had been said.

He watched as Sara interacted with him, her hands curled into fists. Brass was keeping a close eye on the female CSI, Warrick was more than ready to step in. It had been discussed whether Sara should go in there at all but she'd argued it out – in her own words it was something that she needed to do.

Grissom only hoped that she didn't lose it. 

-----

Catherine couldn't sleep – not knowing that Sara was out there somewhere. She wanted to be by her; there to be a shoulder for the CSI to lean on. Instead, she was here, pacing the living room looking at her watch; at the clock to make sure that her watch wasn't fast and then looking at her mobile phone to make sure it was on. She had never been this worried about Sara before – not ever. Catherine decided that everything Sara had said in that interrogation room had affected her more than she'd realized.

----

"Sara?" Grissom called to her as she was pushed from the interrogation room by Warrick, who had managed to pull her back after she'd hit out at the suspect. "Sara," he growled, catching hold of her arm. "Stop."

She pulled back from them both and took a deep breath. "That bastard," she growled.

"Sara, stop," Warrick comforted. "We got him, and it's over."

They had got enough evidence on him to have him arrested, but he had decided to wind Sara up till she lashed out at him.

"No, it's not over. For Danni this is just the beginning." Sara shot. She couldn't deal with this right now. She turned and walked down the corridor, leaving them stood there.

Grissom looked to Warrick. "Stay with her Rick, make sure she doesn't do anything stupid."

---

"Hey girl, you were pretty hot in there, huh?" Warrick lent against the doorframe, watching as she sat in front of her open locker. "Are you okay?"

Sara shrugged her shoulders. "You told me that once I had the bastard it'd feel better…that it'd be all worth it. But I feel empty. I mean, so he'll get a jail sentence… he'll be out in no time… Danni gets a life time of pain. How is that fair?"

"It's not," Warrick stepped forward. "Nothing in this goddamn case has been fair, but we have done everything we can – we got him, Sar." Taking a seat at her side, he put his hand on her leg. "Is there anything I can do to make this easier for you?"

Sara just lent into him. He was a little taken aback – it wasn't something that Sara Sidle did. Minimum contact – that's how it had always been. This just showed Warrick how wrecked up she was. He put an arm around her shoulders and stayed with her for a moment.

"Can you do me a favor?" She asked eventually.

"Anything."

"Don't tell anyone how messed up I am." She pleaded softly.

"Only if you do me a favor… catch some sleep, Sar. A certain CSI informs me that the sofa in the break room isn't too bad." He smiled. That CSI had been Sara herself after he'd asked a few weeks back how she could crash out in there. Sara just nodded. There was no way she was going to go back home, or back to Catherine's – for some reason this was where she needed to be. In this place…

"Thanks, Rick."

"Anytime." He sensed she'd had all the contact she could deal with, so softly moved away. "And I mean that… you know how to get me."

She nodded her head.

---

Walking down the corridor, Catherine was looking around her, hoping to catch a glance of Sara - just to know that she was okay. She hadn't been able to sleep, not without Sara in her arms. After hearing the brunette talk about dying and pain earlier, Catherine couldn't stop thinking about Sara and the hurt she must be going through. She hadn't called; hadn't let her know things were okay, so Catherine came in an hour earlier than usual hoping to grab Sara. Walking through most of the lab with no sign of Sara, Catherine headed down the corridor past Greg's lab and over to the break room.

That's where she found her – sat on the sofa with her feet resting on the coffee table, asleep.

Walking in, she felt her heart beat a little slower now that she knew Sara was safe. She watched her sleep for a while. The only thing going through her mind was how she wished she could take all the pain from her. After a few moments she decided that the younger of the two needed some sleep, so she walked over to the coffee machine and poured herself a mug. Then she lent against the counter, just wanting to watch Sara sleep. The two of them had been through so much in such a short amount of time and she was shocked herself at how strong her feelings were.

Resting her head against the wall at her side, Catherine wondered how all this would affect Sara – she hoped that the brunette wouldn't be hurting, or blaming herself.

----

**TBC**


End file.
